The · Wonder · Has · A · Name · - · Candice!

Okay, Leah...

You've read some of my stuff...how true is this (keeping in mind, of course, that it's just some dumb quiz on the internet!) :D

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

You Are 72% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

You gotta try this - the questions are fantastic!!!

LOVE IT!

Your Candy Heart Says "My Way"

You love to be in love, as long as it means being showered with attention. And no need for you to give anything in return - being with you is gift enough. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a first class trip to Hawaii Your flirting style: witty and showy What turns you off: having to "chase" someone Why you're hot: you're more confident (and arrogant) than a rock star!

Nuff said.

You Are Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

You take the title "mad scientist" to the extreme -with very scary things coming out of your lab. And you've invented some pretty cool things, from a banana sharpener to a robot politician. But while you're busy turning gold into cottage cheese, you need to watch out for poor little Beaker! "Oh, that's very naughty, Beaker! Now you eat these paper clips this minute."

This is gonna sound pretty odd, especially if you know me, but...

I AM STUDYING FOR THE SUPERBOWL! That's right - I've been roped into planning a SuperBowl party, and I need to know a few things. So, stats please...

What SuperBowl is this? (XVI or something...)

What are the most important things to pay attention to when watching football (touchdowns excepted, of course. That's when everybody gets up and dances around the couch, or throws down their nachos and swears @ the TV). My favorite part is when they kick the ball through that yellow thingie - I dunno why!

Who's performing @ half-time? Is it worth watching, or is it gonna be somebody tame and cringe-inducing (i.e. Kenny G or someone)?

I already know who's playing - Seattle Seahawks & Pittsburgh Steelers. I couldn't give a shit about either, but I'm rooting for the Seahawks because 1. They are from Washington, and nothing but serial killers and Microsoft seems to come from Washington - so if they won, that would be good, 2. Because I don't know what a Steeler is, and I think it'll be easier to find blue and green things to wear! and 3. Because they have never made it to the Superbowl, so this is pretty damn fantastic - if you like that sort of thing. Go Underdogs!

And most importantly...is it 'Superbowl' or 'SuperBowl'? So confusing...

Thanks for the info and go team go! :D

I absolutely hate it when I am so pissed at a movie I want to throw things!  I rented “The Game” with Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.  It was terrible – but I should have known that, since I don’t think I’ve seen Michael Douglas in a movie that I’ve liked!  No, scratch that – I did like Traffic.

 

This movie asked the viewer to suspend belief to an incredible level, and then asked the viewer to forgive all the horrific things that happened in the movie, because they all were meant to create the greater good in one rich man’s life.  Means to an end, or whatever.  Fuck.

 

Quick synopsis: We meet Nicholas, a well-to-do investment banker (actually, well-to-do is an understatement.  The guy’s worth, like, 600 million or something) after we’re shown a montage of old family videos and memories of when he was a kid and his father killed himself by jumping off a roof.  Nice, huh?

 

We get a glimpse into the guy’s life – he’s an asshole, spoiled rotten, completely heartless, and a real son-of-a-bitch when it comes to his job.  And today is his birthday.

 

Then we meet his brother, the younger, bad seed who apparently was into drugs and other “bad” things.  They meet for lunch, and the brother (Sean Penn) gives him a business card for some company who, he promises, will make Nicholas’ life “fun.”

 

Naturally, Nick finds himself in the very same building as the company, so he goes to visit.  It’s all very hush-hush, but he is basically buying into one of those “adventure games” for the idle rich – but they won’t give him details as to who, when, where or how this game is going to start.  He goes through this whole battery of tests, physical and psychological, and then is later informed that his application was rejected – sucks to be him.

 

But it really wasn’t rejected, and the game begins.  Except nobody – Nick, the audience, half the fucking cast – is let in on the secret.  Things just happen for apparently no reason, and no explanation is offered as to why they might be happening – or what the purpose was later. 

 

It’s fucking ridiculous – things range from finding a clown lying facedown in his driveway (in exactly the same position that his dead father was found) to his briefcase being locked, so he can’t open it (no plot device hidden there) to a man dying in the street and Nick being forced to accompany him in the ambulance to the hospital – which suddenly loses electricity, and a hundred people mysteriously vanish in 5 seconds.  No explanation was given for that either.  Then, he’s climbing up an elevator with some woman who is supposedly a waitress @ a restaurant he frequents.  What?  Alice in Wonderland wasn’t half this trippy!

 

A bunch of other stuff happens in between now and the end – his house is vandalized with fucked-up black light spray paint and ladders (?) and trippy 60’s music is playing; he is kidnapped, trapped in a taxi and driven off a bridge to drown (but he was mysteriously given a door handle that let him escape); other shit I can’t remember...

 

Blah, blah, blah – and the worst of it is, Nick is a big fucking dumb ass who refuses to tell anyone the basic premise of his life, or why he’s being tormented, and then raves like a lunatic to everyone who comes near (sample quote: “I got the key from inside the mouth of a wooden clown.”  Umm, okay?)  Everybody looks at him funny, and nobody seems to do anything about it.

There was a scene where his credit card was stolen (supposedly) and he had been in a hotel room with a woman – except he hadn’t been.  He finds the room the next day, and it’s trashed, with cocaine on mirrors and Polaroid pictures of naked people doing dirty things and porn movies running on loop.  He cuts his hand on a mirror (no point) then floods the toilet by flushing (again, no point).  Sum total of that sequence.  Oh yeah, he scares a maid (geez, what a prick, huh?  Hurting maids for no reason!)

 

Jesus, the more I think about the movie, the more questions I have!  His brother shows up again at one point, ranting and raving about how the company won’t leave him alone, even after he’s paid them more than they asked, and then accuses his brother of “being in on it.”  They get into an argument, and a faint glimmer of what this might be about appears for a second – they have unresolved issues about themselves and the death of their father.  But that fades too, and we’re back to racing around like the proverbial chickens – without the relief of dying soon after our heads are cut off.

 

Let’s see: he goes and finds the waitress chick at her house, then realizes she’s probably in on it (her fridge is empty and her books are fake) – then suddenly they are being shot at by men with automatic weapons.  Then they’re racing through the streets of New York (and nobody notices a fucking thing).  They commandeer a car and Christine (for that is her name, for now) tells him that the whole game is a scam, and they are really after his money.  She works for them, but feels sorry for him, or something, and tells him they have stolen all of his money. The fucking moron then hops on his damn cell phone and calls his overseas banks to check his accounts, spouting off account numbers and passwords in front of the girl (who not so subtly listens in, complete with eerie music and camera close-ups of her conniving look).  They reach his cabin, where she promptly drugs him (as all self-respecting women do to men they dupe) after telling him that his lawyer is in on the whole scam, and he actually just provided them with the info they needed, by talking on his cell. 

 

Fade away.  Cut to: Nick, waking up in a coffin, in a white linen suit (which he wasn’t wearing when she drugged him) in a cemetery somewhere in Mexico.  He’s beaten up, looks like shit, and has no money (and of course, speaks German, but not Spanish).  He goes to the American Embassy, where they, of course, do not believe his story, but kindly point out that he’s wearing a watch that’s worth a couple thou, and shouldn’t he just pawn that?  The watch, of course, happens to be a gift from his mother & father on his 18^th birthday.  Sad, and yet, completely pointless.

 

So, this is what bugs me (well, ONE of the things): she’s an actor right?  Don’t actors eat?  I mean, girl-actors only eat lettuce, but you’d think she’d at least have some vodka in her fridge!  Why would an empty fridge be a tip-off?  Then, why, if this is all a game, and it’s supposed to be controlled (a point which they beat to death later) – why did they bother changing his clothes, beating him up, and leaving him in a grave in Mexico?  A LITTLE LOGIC, PLEASE PEOPLE!

 

He hops a bus back to civilization, finds out his house has been foreclosed, then hunts down the guy who originally signed him up for this little game – just some no talent actor who stars in aspirin commercials and has a signed portrait hanging on a Chinese restaurant wall.  Nick finds and forces the dude to help him get back in the building to kill the bad guys.  He stumbles upon a cafeteria where all the people he’s encountered throughout the movie are happily eating lunch, or dinner, or something.  He waves the gun around, and then is shot at by the security guards with Uzis.  He ends up on the roof with Christine, who tells him that his birthday party is waiting just on the other side of the door, which they seem to be welding open, and the whole thing was a joke, ha ha, can you believe it.  He doesn’t believe it, and shoots at the first person who walks through the open door – who just happens to be his brother.  Oh sad, the end.  Right?  Nope.

 

Everyone is freaking out, and they all disappear downstairs.  Nicholas is left alone, and he jumps off the roof, just like his dad did.

 

He crashes through a billion stories and a bunch of glass, and lands in…a big airbag that was set up especially for his jump!  The glass just happened to be breakaway. How fucking convenient.

 

His brother really isn’t dead, this is his huge birthday celebration, and la-di-da, everything is fucking glorious.  He seems to forgive everyone in a heartbeat, even tries hooking up with the blonde girl, and the only mea culpa we receive is from Sean, who mutters, “Had to do something.  You were turning into such an asshole.”

 

And scene.

 

I was screaming so hard at the screen sometimes, it’s pretty amazing nobody called the cops on a domestic disturbance!  I mean, are they fucking kidding me?  We were forced to sit through 2 hours of completely inane “adventure” that wasn’t explained, or that seemed to have no purpose other than that someone who was really fucked up might enjoy the trippy stuff – and then we’re supposed to forgive everything that happened, because it saved some rich asshole?  I mean, we didn’t even like him to begin with, why do we care if he suddenly likes his brother at the end of the movie?  He still ends up with all of his money, and he gets a girlfriend (who has been scamming him through the whole movie, I don’t know how he could trust her), and all those “daddy issues” weren’t even addressed.  Dude, he fucking jumped off a roof just like dear old dad, after thinking he killed his brother – and 5 minutes later, he’s laughing like he got caught sniffing women’s underwear on Candid Fucking Camera? 

 

I. don’t. think. so.

 

I can’t even believe how pissed off I am.  Who the fuck thought this would be a good idea?  Huh, maybe the same guys who thought a sitcom starring Jane Leeves called Misconceptions about a chick who is disillusioned with her sperm donor would be a good call.  She’s fucking Daphne, for Chrissakes!  And sperm donors?  Not funny, no matter how you phrase it!

 

And that was this installment of Ebert & Sullivan (forgive me, Roeper’s a prick).

 

Testing, testing...1,2,3!

My warning labels - WATCH OUT!

Candice Marie may explode without warning

M EXPLOSIVE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

and...

THIS WAY UP á

sweetie_dahling has fragile contents which may break!

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From Go-Quiz.com

Okay, second installment.  Not as good I don't think, but gimme a break.  I've been up for WAY too long, and I still gotta go out partying tonight.  *sigh*  Life's a bitch, ain't it?  :P

Men!  At ease!  And listen up!  Tip number one: Confidence is sexy.  No, dude in the back, put away your fine-tooth comb and cocky swagger.  I said confidence, not suave arrogance.  Jerk.

 

Anyway, boys, newsflash: confidence is sexy!  For real!  A woman likes a man who feels comfortable with himself, who knows a thing or two about life, and who isn’t afraid of rejection.

 

Now, to clarify: this is not to say that we want men who are so comfortable they belch, fart, make lewd jokes or otherwise misbehave in public.  We also think gentlemen are sexy.  We don’t want someone who thinks they know EVERYTHING about life, and feels the need to instruct us in all life’s little vagaries.  Nor do we need someone who doesn’t give a shit if we turn him down or not.  Moderation in all things, people!

 

To paraphrase Paris Hilton (as everyone is wont to do these days): Confidence is hot.  So, have tons of it!  And if you don’t have it…FAKE IT!  Seriously, men who seem to have a handle on things are the most attractive.

 

 Now, what exactly do I mean by this?  Simply put, believe in yourself.  Yes, I know that sounds completely new age and like something handed out at the Who Moved My Cheese convention, but it’s true.  For instance, if you meet a girl and secure her phone number, believe that you are worthy of her time.  She wouldn’t have given you her phone number if she wasn’t at least the slightest bit interested (although, there is the occasional pity number handout, but don’t worry too much about those.  The first phone call will instantly tell you how she feels).  The trick is to not over think her thoughts or feelings.  Just call her up.  If she answers, great!  Let her know who you are, tell her you really enjoyed meeting her the other day, or that you had a great time the last time you two saw each other (something to remind her of the reason she gave you her number) and then let her know you want to continue.  Bring up your plan: “I was wondering if you’d like to meet for drinks tomorrow night, so we can talk and hang out.” Or: “There’s this great little restaurant that I’ve been meaning to try/that I really love…would you like to have dinner with me this Friday?”  

 

Listen attentively to what she has to say, you can often pick up subtle hints from her answer.  Don’t automatically assume she will accept, but, conversely, don’t figure she thinks you’re a chump and will refuse.  If she says yes, you’re in!  Congratulations – now, don’t fuck it up.  If she says no, but gives you a reason (she’s busy, she’s got other plans) don’t become disheartened.  Ff she sounds truly sorry that she can’t go (and especially if she suggests another time) it means she’s interested, but really can’t make it.  But if she comes up with some silly excuse like her grandma died, or she has to drive her pet monkey to the groomers @ 10 o’clock @ night, then she’s probably not interested.  But this is where the listening thing comes in handy…if she actually sounds sincere when she says her grandma died, then maybe you really did call @ a bad time.

 

Are you getting all this?  Take a deep breath, it’s really not as complicated as it all sounds.  Just listen, be confident, and try not to get your feelings hurt if it turns out she’s “just not that into you.”  Sometimes, shit happens.

 

So, about 2 years ago I proposed a dating-instructional manual to darksylvia , complete with tips, how-tos, do's and don'ts, etc.  I was really excited about it, and I think so was she.

 

It never materialized.  But lately I've run into some serious faux pas (committed by both sexes) that have made me revisit my dating Do's and Don'ts.  And since the Internet is chock-full of dating advice, I thought I'd throw my metaphorical hat into the proverbial ring, and see what people think.  So, to follow are a few selections from my dating observations/contemplations.  Enjoy.  And feel free to disagree!

 

So, there’s a universal problem that’s really been getting me down lately.  Unfortunately, it’s not something one can throw money at and have it go away.  It’s not worthy of a beg-a-thon, nor is it flashy enough to garner national news coverage.  But if my experiences are any indication, this is a serious threat to not only my sanity, but the world’s peace of mind at large.

 

What is this big crisis, you ask?  What the hell does Candice have her knickers in a twist for this time?  Well, I will tell you (only because you used the word ‘knickers’ and I have a soft spot for our neighbors across the pond).

 

Men.  That’s the problem.  No, let me clarify – men who have not been properly socialized. Men who do not understand the ways of polite society, and who therefore make my dating life a living hell.  Stupid men.  Un-suave men.  To quote one guy (who at least acknowledged that he falls in the above category) “Finesse – nope, don’t have it.”

 

And the problem is, you can’t recognize them.  Not right away.  They may appear exceedingly ordinary.  Polite, often humorous, sometimes quite good-looking.  They lure you into a false sense of security with their jokes and easy manner and subtle flirting (is he really flirting, you ask yourself?  Or is he just friendly?) and then BAM! Out of nowhere, you’re trapped!  Floundering under an extremely awkward and uncomfortable situation, desperately searching for a way out – but there’s nothing!  He’s asking for your phone number, muttering something about “watching a movie” and wondering if you like chili dogs.

 

I take issue with the term “watching a movie.”  Every self-respecting college female is completely aware that “watching a movie” is quite possibly the most blatant misuse of false advertising since spray-on tanning (natural looking color, my ass!)  A date of “watching a movie” is never just watching a movie.  It usually involves awkward silences while the boy inches ever closer on his slightly off-smelling couch, while the girl stares so hard @ the screen that her eyes begin to bug ever-so-slightly out of her head, desperately trying to avoid his eye, knowing that if he succeeds in catching it, she’s done for.  She will be forced to either kiss him, or do some complicated duck-and-cover maneuver to avoid his hovering lips and onion-flavored breath.  Watching a movie means sex, pure and simple.  Never accept an offer to view a film unless you are either prepared to do the horizontal polka, or you have some serious guerilla warfare techniques hidden up that denim miniskirt.

 

And why do boys think that “watching a movie” constitutes an acceptable first date?  What happened to the stereotypical awkward first date – drinks, dinner, sweaty palms and nervous chatting?  The stress-over-what-to-wear-should-I-bring-flowers-or-no-who’s-paying-where-should-we-go-what-should-we-talk-about,-I-hope-to-God-this-works-out first date ritual?  Why have men suddenly decided to forgo all that and physically attack the female at the first opportunity?  I really don’t see why this is necessary, since they’ve been doing that for as long as one can remember, anyway!

 

More on the way (this is a perfect way of avoiding all those terrible papers, don't you agree?)

Okay, I hope this works.  Here goes...

 

Take the quiz: "What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)"

Turquoise
You have turquoise eyes. Turquoise is the color of communication. Your eyes symbolize your intuitive nature. You can be over-analytical sometimes, possibly fussy and egocentric. You have the tendency to push your heart out of the way and let logic make your decisions. You are not shy, but you can be secretive, closed, confused about what you want, and maybe a bit sneaky and paranoid at times. Some words to describe you: cool, refreshing, imaginative, motivated, dynamitic, calm, peaceful, joyful, relaxed, truthful, healing, meditation, tranquility, forgiving, patient, sleepy, and day-dreamer.

Pretty, no?  Too bad my eyes are hazel, but whatever.  The description rocks.

I never said you had to offer me a second chance
I never said I was a victim of circumstance
I still belong
Don't get me wrong
You can speak your mind
But not on my time!

I am supremely bored - and feel nauseous after eating possibly the grossest thing ever...frozen lasagna. It was one of those Bargain Buys and I think I know why it's a bargain - you get soggy noodles, unidentifiable goopy stuff, and a stomachache...all for $1.50! I followed that up with some Snapple and 1/2 a box of Junior Mints, so I'm gunning for grossest vomit ever! Ewww.

I'm sorry Leah, for your sickness. I had it last week. Miserable. All you wanna do is curl up on the couch with a blanket, some tea and, like, 1/2 a season of Grey's Anatomy (which is officially my favorite show), but people want you to DO stuff, like work and learn things. Well, the learning things is questionable, since I've learned more @ a month on the job than I have in the month of school, but you know what I'm getting at.

Bored, bored bored. Changed this thing, which I almost never use; watched said Grey's Anatomy (eww! Some guy swallowed 10 Barbie doll heads. Fuckin' weird.) And am now dancing on my chair to Don Henley's "All She Wants To Do Is Dance". Bored.

Okay, ciao! I can't think of anything else to say, except, "He was brutally handsome, she was terminally pretty...they had one thing in common, they were both good in bed!" Fantastic!

Ha. ha. hahaha.

I think there is a guy like this in every class. 

Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut the Fuck Up 

They neglected to include the annoying ass-kisser who somehow has a personal story about "a friend" for every-fucking-thing the teacher mentions. And usually, by the time they manage to wrap up their autobiography, they haven't connected a single thing they've said to the topic of discussion. I could go on, but I'm trying to be more positive. (uh, something is wrong with the all the little buttons.  Why does it take me to all the wrong places?  Does that even make sense?)

(deep breath) A very merry...um...birthday, to me (to who?)
A very merry, um, birthday to me (that's who!)
You're turning 23 my dear, may all your dreams come true
A very merry 23 BIRTHDAY to YOU!!!!! (or me!)

 

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am turning 23 today.  So everyone should celebrate.  I mean, it's not every day that the most wonderful person in the world has a birthday.  It only happens today, for people named, um, me!

Okay, I'm done.

And to take a page out of another girl's book, I must make the announcement that I will continue to turn 23 for the next 7 years.

Thank you.  That is all.

I swear to God, if one more retarded, dried-up old cowboy comes sauntering in to the office, wanting me to mail their insurance payment to the company, I'm going to scream!  It's bad enough I don't know what the hell I'm doing at this new job, but then morons like these guys come in and ...seriously, I don't get it.  They drive down to the office, get their fat, hasn't-seen-a-horse-in-years-and-quite-possibly-even-never ass out of their giant pickup (natch!) to drop the check off at my desk.  Then I have to lick the damn envelope and pay 37 cents to mail it.  Or, if the morons are too stupid to make it out to the right person (seriously, this guy came in today, dropped off a check with a pay stub that said "Make check payable to -whatever insurance company it was-" and he wrote the check to my company) I have to deposit it in the bank and fill out a million and one forms to get something else done somewhere else that doesn't make any sense to me and blah blah blah...I"m a little stressed, can ya tell?

And everyone thinks technology is a godsend, but, um, only if it works?  How can it be wonderful if the phones constantly cut out, the computers don't let you log on to half of the crap you're supposed to, the scanner jams, the printer takes, seriously, 4 minutes to print something, and even the mail meter is off!

Anyway, I miss the old days when I could get drunk and dance with young, hot, only-for-the-weekend cowboys while telling everybody within earshot that "I'm with the band!"  Leah, we need to run away.  Or start shooting people - which ever carries the shortest prison sentence.  And when I could write something down on a piece of paper and wouldn't be frowned upon because "it's not in the computer!"  Technology blows!  (except when I'm bitching about it on my laptop using someone else's wireless internet connection to post to something that other people can read!  ha!  Take that, double standard!)

We interrupt this broadcast for a bitch-fest:

I'm watching QaF, 2nd season (trying to catch up) and I just got to the dreaded Ethan! duh duh duh. First of all, does he get better? I understand why Justin would be attracted to him, especially since Brian is being his stereotypical, done-to-death obnoxious, uncaring self - but holy fucking Christ is this kid annoying!!!!! "I'd bring you breakfast in bed, and then I'd play you Ramalamadingdong by SomethingGermanandUnpronouncable in Q minor..." Who writes this crap?! I wanna smack the little shit in the nose!

And, the lesbians are stupid (not turning the water off before they remodeled, and relying solely on a Channel 9 special to teach them renovation tricks?)

Well, anyway - I'm annoyed. The characters better start making some smart choices, or at least doing things that make some fucking sense soon - or I'm gonna...well, I don't know what I'd do, but it'll be dramatic!

And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

...or, perhaps, exactly the same as the last few posts.

It's disgusting how many times I've exclaimed, "It's true!" to one of these internet quizzies. Am I really that shallow?

Your Libra Drinking Style

"I'm jusht a social drinker," you slur, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" You love nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (you are little instigators when bored), you can really work a room. Charming as you are, you are notoriously lacking in self-control. And this can get you into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening. You may end up flirting with you best friend's sweetie or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

Your Signature Cocktails

Aesthetic Libras like pretty, pouffy drinks like a pink lady or a brandy Alexander. That's the influence of Venus, your ruling planet, which also gives you a horror of crudely named potions like Sex on the Beach. You're fine with "normal" guzzles like apple martinis, but every Libra secretly just wants champagne... and lots of it.

Your Celebrity Drinking Buddies

Eminem, Simon Cowell, Avril Lavigne, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Usher, Gwen Stefani, Hillary Duff, and Will Smith.

*snicker* Can anyone else picture Eminem calmly sipping a pink lady? bwahahahahaha!